Suspension!

Well since I last wrote on here I got suspended. Tuesday....for 2 days....and my parents have currently taken away my cellphone and computer privileges (my mum is sleeping right now). Suspension I think is the best thing ever though. I'm the only person I know that would think that. It was the BEST. I could listen in on conversations going on in the office...I didn't really feel like doing that much though. I had a little cubicle to work in and that little cubicle I could work in everyday. It was peaceful even with all the dramatic stuff that was going on around our school. There was counselors that kept walking past and conversations that were too loud for me to ignore at times, but I greatly enjoyed my little cubicle.
So I worked on my story the whole time I was there really and I'm almost done. I could do whatever I wanted to do in that cubicle, as long as I was there and behaving. No one of course was paying attention to me though because of the traumatic experiences that my school is yet again going through this year. It's good that I wasn't in class during this anyways because I wouldn't be able to handle it. I just wish it hadn't happened. I just wish the only thing that happened on Tuesday was that I had gotten a suspension.
Yesterday was the anniversary of Columbine. Yesterday I found of that my brothers friend had died from a self inflicted gunshot wound on Tuesday. I felt horrible for it. Before I found this out...early Wednesday morning. I wrote something down to sort of explain my suspension.

I just want to take the time to put that on here now before I ask that we have a moment or two of silence for Jake and Tyler and both of their families. They both were to young to go and will be missed very much. RIP Jake and Tyler. Jake please watch over Tyler as he joins you and have fun if you can. I hope its happier up there. I miss you so so much. I wish you were still here.You and your cute smiley self. Always smiling and Tyler...I know that I didn't know you that well but I still know who you were and I walked past you in the hall everyday. You always had a smile on your face when I saw you also. Wish I could have known you better. I know that Paul misses you greatly.
It doesn't feel right to mush my suspension and my friends deaths into one post, but they are sort of intertwined in my mind right now. I haven't fully accepted that Tyler is gone yet because I haven't been with my friends for the last couple of days. He is still alive in my mind, just like Jake is. They just both aren't around is all.

So here is what I wrote....
How would you like it if you have to be disrespectful, cruel, and stupid to keep from breaking down everyday? You know it is wrong but you rather do that than breakdown because breaking down causes more pain.
How would you like it if you can't tell anymore without the pain coming? How would you like it if once the wall is down you can't stop the pain?
I've been hurt so many times that I can't even remember who does the hurting because it's so painful to remember. Short term memory loss. I can't tell anyone because I've taken up the habit of blocking it all out. It's just when the wall comes down that it starts to explode. I can't stop the pain and no one can help me because I can't talk about it. All I can do is lash out until the wall goes back up, and I hope it goes back up before too many people get hurt from me. I can't stop, I don't know how to stop.
I've prefected being a bitch to everyone. I've perfected keeping everyone away from me, still people get hurt from me when I lash out.
I can tell when it's coming. I know when I'm about to last out and I try to get out of the situation, but I can't stop myself no matter how hard I try if I can't get out of the situation. If someone suggests something that I know is mean than that is going to get done because I can't control myself.
Teachers are supposed to be safe right? Safe to go too. Safe to trust. They aren't though, they are just as bad as everyone else when it comes to causing pain. If I told you which teacher it was that did this to me, caused me pain that is, nothing would be done because he is a teacher and I'm just a student. I would be told I'm overreacting. Why must this pain must continue? Why won't it just leave me alone? I just want to be left alone.
No one is on my side and I have no purpose in life. Not my words. People tell me to go die everyday. They bring scary thoughts into my head each day. I don't know how much longer I can deny what they tell me. I don't know how much longer I can live in this pain.
Jake....Tyler....I don't know how much longer it's going to be before I come join you.