Importance of Rain

Since I just wrote about the importance of nighttime walks, I feel the need to also point out that rain is just as important.

Rain does basically the exact same thing. Rain doesn't go around you. It doesn't avoid you. It wants to touch you and kiss your skin as it falls from heaven. It is like your ancestors sending down their love to you and letting you know that everything is going to be okay. It is their way of giving you a hug and all that crap.

But yeah rain is just as important as nighttime walks and if you want to know the actual reasons I think this just change nighttime walks to rain in the last post and it will tell you all that you need to know. Except I'm not scared to walk in the rain. Though driving in the rain is scary shit. But walking in the rain is peaceful and not scary unless at nighttime when it is scary.

(I'm going on my nighttime walk right now so I just wanted to get this out before I was off)

Importance of Night Walks

Nighttime is very peaceful. Very few people are out and about making it sometimes seem like you're the only person left in the world. This feeling of solitary helps me make it through the next day. I need my few minutes of peaceful, solitary. It has become especially important to me since I came to college. I no longer have a safe place where I know I can go when I need a break from people. So my nighttime walks are my few moments of being alone. Even when there are people walking with me, the nighttime folds around me, wrapping me in their comforting darkness and warmth, keeping me safe. Its like I'm getting my own mini-hug when I need one the most and can't get one from anyone else.

I also know that no matter what happens in my day, nighttime will never fail to be there. I don't have to worry about it. Nighttime is the only for sure thing in my life. I can't count on most other things so being able to count on nighttime is wonderful. Being able to count on anything is a pleasant experience. Not having to always depend on myself to get something done for a change is blissful. 

Sometimes I'm scared of walking around at nighttime. It has to do with my trust and overactive imagination issues of course. I'm always worried that someone is going to jump me. I always have the worse possible scenarios of things going through my mind. That doesn't stop me from my night walks though because even though I'm scared of them, I still need them. I need my mini-hugs and comforting silence. I need my dependable and peaceful darkness. I don't know how I would live without my night walks. 

I tried it for a few days last week. Right after I started going on my nighttime walks again I stopped being so depressed. My mini-mental breakdowns stopped happening and I avoided completely breaking down. I don't know why I decided to suddenly stop going on these walks, but I did and it did not end well. As you can tell from previous posts of mine I did not have a good week last week. I'm just glad that I have a way to forestall my mental breakdowns now. 

IN CONCLUSION: NIGHTTIME WALKS ARE ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN MY LIFE.

A Stab in the Dark New and Improved Advertising Ploy

If you click it nothing will happen so so you know! I just wanted to show you my new advertising ploy ;P
Here is the link to the story if you desire to click something to read....

http://www.wattpad.com/story/640599-a-stab-in-the-dark

I haven't decided if I like it yet or not though....

Taylor Swift Support Group

I love this thing so much....It is hilarious....

#hashtags

I found this a few days ago and it has done wonders with me. I just couldn't stop laughing at it because it was hilarious. I enjoy being able to laugh when I'm in my moods.

Christian pickup lines are the best....Here's a few ;P

"Look, you're nearly 22. Most christians are 3 years into marriage by now... just settle for me."

"You put the “stud” in bible study."
“I’m no Joseph, maybe you can help me interpreting the dreams I’ve been having about you?”
"Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?”
“I’m usually not very prophetic, but I can see us together.”

"What’s your name and number so I can add you to my “prayer” list?"

"Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives... Because he never met you."

"For you I would slay two Goliaths."

"You float my ark." "I believe one of my ribs belongs to you." "I’m glad Adam gave up a rib for you." "I just don't feel called to celibacy."

"How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?" "I would part the Red sea to get to you." "You are hotter than the apostles at Pentacost." "You are so unblemished that I would sacrifice you."

Cheery Pictures!

Cheery pictures to hide the negative posts!

Trust Issues

One of my friends was teasing me because he's gotten it into his head that I have my first college crush, which I don't. I told him nothing would happen with it anyway because I don't do relationships. Now he's trying to get me to discuss my trust issues. I like not discussing these things! You know what just here....this is the conversation....


Him: "Ha You like him. Awh, M has her first college crush"
Me: "Nothing will come of it"
Him: "It might"
Me: "Doesn't really matter who I like or if they like me. Nothing will come of it"
Him: "Why? Here's a for instance, you like E and E likes you. Would something come of it? If you both liked each other?"
Me: "Nothing could come of it no"
Me: "I don't do relationships...."
Him: "Why?"
Me: "Trust Issues"
Him: "Why?"
Me: "I don't know"
Him: "Don't think of me as J or anyone you've known for awhile. Think of me as your therapist"
Me: "I'm not thinking of you as my therapist. The last one I hated"
Him: "Why do you have trust issues? Is it with just males? Or just females? Or in general?"
Me: "I just have trust issues in general"
Him: "Why?"
Me: "I don't know. I just have for a while now?"
Him: "Having trust issues means your trust has been broken more than once in the past whether it be by your family, a close friend, maybe yourself even?"
Me: "You sound like you just googled it"
Him" No I know a lot about this psych crap. Went to therapy did wonders for me"
Me: "lucky you. Therapy didn't do crap for me."
Him: "I know why, you didn't open up You didn't have a break through. You want to be helped.
Me: "Nope I didn't. I only saw her twice."
Him: "You do. You will want a relationship and love being in love and being in a relationship and love your partner."
Me: "I'm not at the point where I want a relationship yet?"
Him: "But you will get there easier if you can get to the root of your trust issues. Trust issues also come from abuse."
Him: "I doubt you were abused"
Me: "You never know"
Him: "Were you?"
Me: "Trust issues remember. I don't open up."


And it goes on from there with him trying to guess who abused me and how. Then he keeps telling me to open up because I refuse to tell him these things. And eventually he starts asking me questions about if I cry and stuff like that. I don't want to talk about this stuff with anyone and yet he's being pushy about it. I wish I hadn't brought this up at all. I always bring stuff up that I shouldn't! I need my filter fixed. This is why I can't have nice things.....

Mental Breakdown Week

I was pushed off the cliff on Sunday when one of my friends needed my help again. My stress, anxiety, and worry levels have sky rocketed. I've been on edge since Sunday, unable to really do anything. I feel like everything is falling apart on me as it always seems to do. This is why I can't have nice things, as someone who I don't know what he is to me told me. I always ruin everything. I wish I could stop this mental breakdown before it officially happened. I am doing my mini-mental breakdowns right now, all week I have been having them. I don't want to be here when the big one hits. I'm hoping I can fend it off until I get home next weekend, but that is still two weeks away and I don't think I'm going to make it.

I'm working on being positive again. My mind isn't feeling too terribly positive today....SO POSITIVE PICTURE

The F Word

I brought up the F word with my mum today. Food. All I was saying was I was running out of food and would need more soon. She told me to go buy some and I told her that I would just wait until I go home in two weeks. This made her start questioning me about my eating habits. I know I stopped eating for a good three months once, but that was a few years ago! I eat now on a daily basis. Sure sometimes I skip a meal here or there, but I still am eating. If anything she should be happy that I'm eating. I was told that once I got in college I would probably go anorexic, but I AM NOT ANOREXIC. I eat food okay, so get off my back.

Mood Killers

Lalala I have been at college for oh four weeks now. I've been doing great. I only get depressed for short periods of time and I only had one week where I just wanted to go home and get my meds. I'm glad I didn't bring my meds here. I don't want to have to depend on them forever. Sure I have lovely anxiety attacks every once in a while (like every time I go to lunch), but that is okay with me. I can deal with anxiety attacks as long as they aren't making me super sick like last time. I learned on my own how to deal with my anxiety attacks, I think I can handle being without my meds while I'm here.
But anyhoo, my mood is going down hill right now. It really sucks. There are two people just sitting around me doing homework right now and I'm just sitting here with nothing to do because I am bored of working on my homework. I just want to walk somewhere and be alone but at the same time I don't really have anywhere to go. That's the problem with being here in a new place. I don't actually feel safe at night here. Like in Lisbon I somewhat felt safe. I knew people around me. But here I'm basically a foreigner in a vast wooded dangerous area. I don't have a safe spot here. In Lisbon my safe spot was always the park. I knew that no matter what happened at home I would have somewhere to go if I needed to leave, but here I'm lost. I don't have my safe spot to run to when I need to get away. I just have my room which isn't a safe spot for me. So yeah my mood goes down hill and I don't know how much longer it will last like this. It's depressing really, which is funny because that's where my mood is headed. I feel bipolar sometimes but I can't be because my mood changes too quickly for that. Mood Killers in the house.