Depression

I think I'm going to have to start taking my anti-d's again. My depression has come back full force and I just cannot seem to shake it off. I just want it to go away. I don't want to have to deal with it anymore. It is getting increasingly harder to act that I'm happy at school. It's getting increasingly harder to put a smile on my face. By the time I get home from school each day, I am ready to cry. In fact I'm ready to cry before I get home! As I am leaving school it is like a huge weight is being pressed into me more so than when I'm in school. I don't know why it has to get worse once I leave the school, it's not like it isn't already extremely bad. I mean today I think I was really rude in my band lesson because I was just gone. I couldn't get past my depression at all there. It was there to stay at that moment. I feel really bad about it, but I couldn't stop it. It's like I know what's happening. I know that my depression is descending on me. I can't tell you why though. I can't explain why I'm feeling that way. I feel helpless against it. I feel so hopeless against it. I don't understand why it comes and goes like this. It should just stay gone! I don't want to tell my mum that I need my drugs back. I don't want to be dependent on drugs to be happy, but sometimes it just feels like that is all I have. I feel like I have to pretend to be perfectly fine around my mum as well too. My own family doesn't really seem to accept that I have problems. They make fun of me for it. My mum doesn't, but the rest of my family does. My mum just always seems to worried about me when I am on my pills. It doesn't help that we are talking about disorders in Psychology and I know exactly which ones I have and which symptoms I have. I don't want people to know. I mean, I'm perfectly fine with everyone knowing that I have social anxiety that makes me sick to my stomach and extremely light headed. I don't want them to know how severe my depression can be though. I don't want them to know a lot of stuff about my mental healthy and I think that with learning about the disorders people will be able to tell what disorders I have. I just want my depression to back off.