Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Trust Issue Confession

I randomly started telling my friend who kept telling me to open up my life story last night. It took about 5,000 characters which in case you didn't know is a whole bunch of text messages. Here is what I said and yes I texted all of this, word for word to this guy. That is a crap ton of texting I tell ya.

I used to always be happy you know. I was known as smiley when I was at school because I always had a smile on my face. I used to call everyone my friend too. Now I'm lucky to have just a few friends. I don't remember when it started, but it was probably a round middle school. I began pulling myself into a shell. My best friend
since kindergarten started having problems with things I do. Actually this probably all started when my dog bit her sister's face. Ever since then she was more withdrawn towards me and always seemed to be putting me down. That was just her attitude though and I accepted that. I accepted the fact that being around her made me feel like crap and I probably was  a crappy stupid person. 

She isn't the reason for my trust issues of course. She was an amazing friend even if she made me feel awful and I couldn't tell her anything without her telling her family who would proceed to tell mine if they felt like it. I learned not to count on her if someone was bothering me. I learned that if I wanted to do stupid crazy things she was too grown up and mature to do that. she was too self centered to care. But that didn't matter to me. She was my friend.

In middle school I got addicted to this stupid game called Runescape. No one on that game knew who I was. This was the time where I had pulled almost all the way back into myself. So I craved talking to people so badly and everyone who played that game was so nice to me. I could just be myself with them. Except I had to hide that I played it. I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I played it because "only losers" play RS. No one cool or smart plays it. I was made fun of for it.

Of course I didn't stop playing it even though I got made fun of for it. I needed that human attention. One of my best friends today started to play it with me and she accepts that about me. Still today I sometimes get on that game and all my game friends go crazy. I'm a big deal to them. I help them with their real life problems and they let me talk as much as I want. I don't have to watch what I say around them. I can talk to them about anything and they won't judge me. But in real life I was shunned for the game.

Freshman year of high school I broke under the pressure of it all. I was out of school for a month because I was making myself so sick. This was when I was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety. I was given anti-depressants and sent to a counselor. She was more focused on getting me able to be in large crowds (which I still can't do today) than on anything else. It was during the summer so she wasn't helping me. There weren't any crowds. I quit going. People who knew I was on anti-dees were surprised. My family (other than my mum) made fun and still make fun of me today for it. Normally they were just teasing me about it but sometimes they would get seriously angry and what came out of their mouths then was what hurt. It didn't take long for even the teasing to start to hurt me too. It didn't help that my family has traumatized me. They all have severe anger issues and I always feel like I'm walking on a thin thread to avoid the range  I'm always the the one thrown in the middle keeping them from killing each other. I have scars to show my efforts. 

Sophomore year I cut off all communication with my bff. I haven't said a word, outside of when I absolutely had to for school, to her since that day. I regret the way I handled that situation every day but I couldn't take it anymore and that was my fastest way out. Three suicides happened that year at school and I stopped taking my anti-dees. They weren't helping me cope so why should I take them? I didn't tell my mum I stopped taking them until the following year because she was always worried about me after the suicides. 

There was a harmless kid in my grade who was the class clown/douchebag. He made fun of me whenever he felt like it. He made fun of my friends too. I thought he was going to be a good friend when I first met him, just like a few of my friends from elementary school. But then they all became douchebags trying to fit in.

The summer before my junior year I met two guys. I went out with them a few times and one of them I got really close with. In fact we were texting almost twenty four seven. That's when I realized how bad my trust issues are. Neither one of those guys will talk to me now. I think I'm doing the same thing again with another guy that I like as friend but he just keeps getting too close to me. He says he likes someone else, which is exactly what I was aiming at and we don't hang out as often now. I feel like he's trying to get me to completely stop talking to him now as well. I don't learn from my past mistakes apparently.

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