Dem Feels

http://thefreethoughtproject.com/guys-wife-cancer-unforgettable-3-photos-destroyed-me/

It may take a few times to actually get to the story, I couldn't get to it until the third attempt.

 The face of cancer is shown through a woman fighting breast cancer.

Caring.

Today I was told I don't care about people....

My roommate told the person who said it that it was mean to say and her response was that it was true.

I'm going to go cry now....

The only problem is that crying doesn't ease the pain for me...

NaNoWriMo Prologue.

Every teenager looks forward to their 18^th birthday, coming of age, being an adult. It is a very important milestone in life. But there are some children that absolutely dread their 18^th birthday. Almost 25,000 children each year don’t have parents to support them after the age of 18, which is sad because it is said that children aren’t completely independent from their parents until they are 34 years old. These would be the 25,000 children that have aged out of the foster care system. So what happened on the day our blonde friend, Gaia, aged out of the foster care system? She was kicked out of her foster home and only had one place to go…the gang next door.

~if you want to read more check out my wattpad! It's called "Perks of a Mafia Leader"

Are you ready for NaNoWriMo?

This describes me perfectly.

Soteriophobia is a word that describes a person who refuses to get too attached to people out of fear of being disappointed.

Having Issues

I was doing so well over the weekend, because one of my annoying friends was gone. I'm worried about our relationship. Last time I was friends with someone who made me feel like crap, I completely stopped talking to which has had me filled with regret ever since. I don't think I can handle the situation any other way though....I still feel like that is the best way to handle situations like that, even though I feel guilty about it later on.
Anyway, she took my chair today while I was in class. I'm fine with her using it while I'm not in the room, but I want to use it now. I suck at sharing I know....but this is just giving me a reason why I can't do any homework because she has my chair. What annoys me the most is she hasn't even asked if I wanted my chair back. She just snapped at me and is all pissy. There is a reason I hate hanging out with girls. I need to make some guy friends -.-

Comparing Things

I'm great at comparing things, mostly by telling their differences not their similarities, but if you want me to tell you the similarities/differences of a poem, there is no way I can do it. I don't understand poetry to begin with, so I can't tell you what each poem even means, but then add in the fact that I have to compare them and I'm completely stumped. That's what I have to do with my Critical Writing class for tomorrow, and I'm not sure what to write how what the poems mean. They are too modern for there to be an analysis online, so it is all on me to figure out. Thanks so much google, you failed me. -.-

Crocheting

My hands have been drying out because of all the cold weather that we've been getting here, so I decided I was going to do something about it. Of course that meant I got to make gloves for myself. They don't look too terribly bad, even though I made them a bit bigger than I normally make these kinds of gloves. I wanted my knuckles to be covered though, otherwise there would be no point to them. So that's what they look like. I made myself a purple hat to go with the gloves as well since I didn't have a hat either. Good thing I know how to crochet, or college life would be so much colder for me!

Intervention

There was an intervention today for me.... I walked passed a table that had a few of my friends there at brunch and they made me sit down. They told me I had to stop talking to this kid I've been talking to, which is funny because I stopped talking to him on my own. I got bored of him... Anyway they told me he was a sketchy guy, a drug dealer, not someone you would want to be alone with. I was told not to be hanging out with him or I would die, be killed, and get raped...I believe they decided it would happen in that order as well. They told me if I didn't stop talking to him someone would end up dead, and they didn't want it to be me so it would have to be the guy.
Then one of them didn't want to go to Walmart with the others so he ended up hanging out in my room. He came in claiming that he had killed the guy (he didn't mind you). He just says hilarious things....

But anyway, an intervention was held for me today....

A Stab in the Dark Cover

Blogger >:o

I don't understand blogger! I've only been using it for what two, three years now and I don't understand it....

Stupid blogger makes my text shaded and impossible to read without any explanation. Every time I copy and paste something it happens....For example...

In relation to my last post, I have this "People who are constantly suffering from emotional wounds tend to easily get annoyed with others for no apparent reason."

And then if I keep writing after I copy and paste something, that stuff gets highlighted/shaded as well! what is wrong with this thing....

Slipping

I'm slipping up. One of my friends has gotten too comfortable with me and by golly does it annoy me. I don't want to seem like the bitch of our friend group, but everything she does has been annoying the hell out of me.

Today I retweeted "People are generally mistaken for rude or unkind simply because they have a low tolerance for those who no longer deserve their energy." And her response to that was that is exactly how she feels when she's talking to me. I don't know how I feel about that, but it annoyed me. 

Then there was yesterday when she decided it was perfectly acceptable to pop my bubble, lean over me, and grab my food without even asking if she could have any. She just assumed she could. Sort of like she almost threw a fit because I was eating my pretzel sticks and I didn't give her one. I don't share my pretzel rods -.- They are my means of existence and yet she almost threw a fit. I had to give her one just to get her to shut up. I know I probably sound like a horrible person because I don't share my food. But I do. You have to realize that normally my friends/roommate eats more of the food that I have than I do. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of because everyone wants food from me.

Today she also decided that it was perfectly acceptable to be messing around on my laptop while I'm using it. She kept switching tabs that I was on and scrolling down when I was in the middle of reading things. She had her own laptop open, but of course she can't just use her laptop to look at stuff. Sometimes I don't want people to know everything and yet there she was watching me scroll through twitter and facebook and the news. I don't know about y'all, but I have a huge problem with people touching my electronics. I have an even huger problem when they are preventing me from doing what I am attempting to do because they are messing with my electronics!

She also always seems to be complaining. Don't get me wrong, I complain all the time, it's just she has been getting on my nerves lately so the complaining is bothering me more and more. She keeps complaining her hips hurt because she went running and her knees hurt because of her sax case. I got it the first time!

Then she yelled at me today because I kept saying "what?" I couldn't hear what she was saying! Half the time she was mumbling and the other half there was loud noises everywhere. I annoyed her with not being able to hear so she yelled at me and made me feel really stupid because I couldn't hear her!

At dinner yesterday she also told the people we ate with that sometimes she has to force me to eat. She has never forced me to eat a day in my life! Sure I don't eat as much as everyone else but that doesn't mean I need to be forced. The fact that my eating habits were brought up at all really bugs me. I hate when people talk about what I eat. I am perfectly aware of what I eat and when I eat. I don't need anyone telling me to eat or not to eat!

Anyway, my mind is slipping back into it's deep depression. I can't seem to stop it and my pushy friend is not helping me at all.

Being a 4-h'er

I'm not even in 4-h anymore and I still plan my summer vacations around fair. Then again my siblings are still in 4-h and I'm not really the one that is planning the vacations. I would must rather be at fair than on vacation though! I love fair :)

I am Bodily Gifted.

That is all I'm going to say.

Deep Words of Thought *stolen from a status*

"How can someone love me. When I don't even love me?"

That's a nice quote.. Isn't it? Not really.. But.. Guess what? Someone does love you.. I'm sure more than one person loves you. So you know what? Stop wondering how others can possibly love you. There's a reason they do. You don't know/can't understand that reason? Find it out or understand it. The sooner you do, the sooner you'll start to love yourself. Face it, we don't like something about ourselves. Everyone does, it's a fact. Change it if it bothers you that much, but, no matter what you do you won't please everyone. So just listen to the people that love you, no matter what. They love you for a reason.
That reason?
You're you.
You're the only one of you. You're unique already by just being you. Others are similar, but not you.
You got a life to live. Live it being happy or being sad. I'd suggest living it being happy.
I found a reason of being happy. Someone very special to me loves me. They love me even though I can't understand it. I can't grasp it. I'm trying to. I might never know. But they love me. For some reason they love me. I'm happy because of that.

Someone loves you too...
So just be you.

In order to Heal.

The picture makes it sound so easy to do. I mean I could probably let go of past hurts pretty easily and forgive those who have wronged me. It is the forgiving myself for my mistakes that I don't think I can ever do. I've made some big mistakes in my life and they haunt me every day, I don't know if I would let go of them now. They have become a part of me in the present now instead of staying in the past.

One Of Those Days

I probably have said this before, but in case you missed it. I have social anxiety disorder.

So today is the homecoming game for my college. My friends and I went to get food in the cafe only to find the cafe was only serving food at the tailgating party. I'm having issues with my stomach this morning. It hurts like hell, so going to the cafe was a bit much for me. I don't want to be around people today, but of course I will be around people all day. Anyway so they wanted to go get food, so I told them I wasn't going with them to this stupid tailgating party. Immediately one of them starts harassing me about how I should go and she would probably be having anxiety attacks too from being there. I don't think she gets it though. I don't like having anxiety attacks and I know my limits. Today I will more than likely have a few anxiety attacks because I can't avoid them. I am going to avoid them for as long as I possibly can though! There is no point in putting myself through anxiety attacks when I can easily avoid the situation.

I'm pissed off that my friends have made me feel guilty for not being able to go to the tailgating party. It isn't my fault I can't control my anxiety levels! I don't like feeling guilty for things that shouldn't be my fault. Now this moment is going to always be playing in my mind as the moment I disappointed them. I hate it -.-

I don't get it....who is this person?

My older boo's analogy of life.

• So...I just realized life is a never-ending party. Right? Like, you've just woken up at this club and you see music playing and people dancing. You look around and you can't see a DJ or whoever owns the club, and you begin to question whether or not there is anyone, or if the party merely started by chance when a few people got together a long time ago. You don't have any dance partner yet so you go and stand on the wall and you contemplate why you're at the party, and why it exists. And how. You just wonder if there's a purpose to the party, and if at some point the music is going to stop and everyone is asked to go home. You look along the wall and you see some more people standing there, and you realize that they too are in your position. Two of them are arguing over a disagreement about whether they think there's a DJ, or if the party is something that's grown and evolved over time. A third man standing with them, who has gray hair and a long beard looks over and tells you to go and get out there and dance while you're young because if you spend too much time worrying about these things, you'll miss out on everything out there. So you look out to the crowd to find some people to dance with. You see all sorts of groups out there, and each one has their own distinct way of dressing and dancing. In the center of the dance floor, there's a large circle and in the middle of it are the most popular people, and a lot of the people are watching them dance. The people inside the circle don't know what to do now, so they keep dancing until either the crowd focuses their attention to someone else or until they dance themselves to exhaustion and they have to leave the club, or take a break in the bathroom. You're still looking for a group to join and you're not sure which you fit in the best, and then suddenly you hear to the club open and you see some faces walk in. People who are too new to the club and looking for a group to join.

  So you walk over and ask them if you can join. They of course say yes and let you be a part of their group. So you all walk out there into the crowd and begin to dance for awhile. Some people like how you all move so they join your group. Others decide that it's not really their style, so they go and find another one they feel is more like them. You keep on dancing and things seem pretty great. The music starts to slow down, or atleast you feel it is. You eventually notice that the person next to you has been in your group, dancing with you since they beginning. As the party has gone on, you two have been growing closer together and your dances more alike. The music slows down more and before you now it, you two are dancing to the same rhythm. You're both dancing at a different tempo than everyone else, you both hear a different tune. The song slows down even more, the beat plays louder and you feel a special connection with them. You both hold each other as you dance slow. You can't see anything else in the club, nor does it matter. They're the only thing that you see, and the only thing you want to see. At this point you don't even care that there is a party, but since there is you want to spend the rest of it dancing with them. You aren't even sure if there is music playing at the club, or if what you've been hearing this entire time has been coming from inside, and they just happened to be hearing the same song from inside. You both continue to dance for awhile, as does everyone else. You start to feel tired after awhile and you and your partner decide that maybe you're both getting to old to be out there on the dance floor, that your bodies can't handle it. So you make your way through the crowd, weaving in and out of the sea of fresh faces you see dancing around you and they're dancing to different music. You both had been out there so long in each other's embrace, you hadn't even noticed everything changing. So you get off the dance floor and you walk out together. You know that once you leave you can't come back in. Or at least...it's very hard to. There's rooms in there around the club for people to retire to when they've grown tired and can't keep on dancing, or they decide they want to teach their own person how to dance and send them out in the club. They get to stay there until they decide they want to leave, and they can watch everyone else dance in the meantime. But you both know your time has long since passed. You don't want to spend the rest of your days watching the younger people dance and becoming bitter over the fact you once could do that, but now you're completely incapable of doing anything but watching them. So you both leave the club in pride, satisfied that you got to spend what time you did with each other, and that you are leaving together. You wouldn't want it any other way, and you'd rather leave with them now, than spend the rest of eternity dancing with everyone else and by your self.
• And with that, you both walk out the door. As you do, you hear the music of the club and all the lights fading in the background. It gets quieter and quieter until it's just the two of you, and all you hear is the beating of your hearts.

  
  

  Anyway, I think the club is a perfect analogy for life. Look at how well I applied it there. That literally all just popped into my head.

  Any

  .

A Mi Casa

So I went home for the first time over the weekend. You know how college peeps aren't supposed to go home until like their sixth week of school because of the whole homesickness thing? Well boom I waited six weeks and at the very end of those six weeks I went home. Almost immediately I was ready to come back to school because all my friends at home were being clingy. I don't like clingy friends.....I'm the clingy one! I don't like contact so it wasn't the funnest thing. Everyone wanted to get a hug from me. They know better than to hug me and yet they did it anyway. My mum didn't even hug me y'all and she's my mum! So I am slightly annoyed with my friends there.

Anyway I went to the game and stood around awkwardly while the band did their pregame and then I went and hung out with them. I watched the half time show which wasn't the best thing in the world. They could still use a whole bunch of practice. Apparently the freshman aren't nearly as dedicated to being the best band possible. I blame the fact that they never had to have Kiser so they don't realize how amazing Mr. Moore is.

After the game I went home and hung out with my family before sleeping. Sleeping is awesome so saying. That is basically all I wanted to do all weekend (as it is all I want to do every weekend).

The next day I woke up to me being sick. That was a blast. I was sick and still had to go get my flu shot. It sucked. But I survived because that's exactly what I do. Then after I was feeling better I went shopping with my mum and she basically bought the whole store for me. Then I went horse riding and my ass hurts so much from it. After that I went to sleep because I had a major headache and I still wasn't feeling good. (I didn't even stay awake long enough to finish doing my laundry like I was going to).

The next day I skipped church as I always do. It was nice. Then I went back to Loras and that was my weekend abroad. ;P

Government shutdown Pickup Lines

I don't know how these things became a thing, but they did. And they are amazingly hilarious and other times just stupid. So you should definitely check out the pickup lines for the government shutdown. Here are my top favorites.


Unlike congress, I'd approve of you by midnight.

NASA is losing 97% of its funding, and I'm losing 97% of my inhibitions.

Baby, I let the government shut down, so I could spend the whole day with you

Arabesque

The song is wonderful and all, but it is so freaking hard to play. My band is currently working on it and it sounds great except for the part where I can't keep up. During our performance for it we're even going to have a belly dancer there. Does that not sound cool. But yeah this is some random band playing the song I'm trying to learn.

Government Shutdown

Alright as everyone probably knows, the government shut down because Congress is having a huge tantrum over little things. The affordable healthcare act should not be such a big problem that it shuts the government down y'all. So put your big girl panties on and get it fixed. There are people that rely on the government to be running in order to make a living and in order to just live. People aren't going to be able to get WIC checks until the government starts back up. Do you know what that means? Y'all's tantrum is going to cause children to starve, and not get the nutritious food that they need, but mostly they will starve.

I might not know a whole lot about politics. Really I don't know anything about it. I do know one thing. When there is a disagreement going on, passing a paper back and forth without any changes on it WILL NOT solve anything. You should try discussing the issue together and come up with a compromise. So end your stupid tantrum already!

Oh and I don't think you deserve to be paid to throw tantrums, you should all be put in time out since you insist on acting like toddlers who didn't get the toy they wanted for Christmas.

HUMP DAY!

Thank god it is hump day. I get to go home on Friday and I'm so excited for it :D Yesterday was the first time that I left campus since I got here so going home will be amazing. I should probably get out more though.

Relationships in a nutshell

The friend that has been harassing me about my life story (the one I recently texted 5,000 characters to) has decided I need to get a relationship. I told him I would go right on out and buy a relationship for myself. So this my dear children is what a relationship is like. And this is his response to be saying I will go buy a relationship ;P

Him: You know what I mean. You're lacking things.. Confidence.. Trust.. The will and want.. Come on Mildred you play the clarinet. Cello.. Piano.. You do much harder things than a relationship. 

Me: Playing my instruments seems a whole lot easier than being in a relationship. (or something along those lines)

Him: But they are.. You have to be perfect at the instrument to play the music. Music is always harder than most things.. Be perfect at music or don't play it.. But you don't have to be perfect at a relationship.. Friendship.. Dating.. Engagement.. Marriage.. It doesn't require perfection.. It requires confidence. Want and will..And trust.. The trust know that your friend.. Boyfriend.. Fiance.. Husband.. Won't hurt you.. And if they are they know they have an they're truly sorry for it.. It's.. It's just beautiful. Relationships are their own music.. All music is beautiful to someone..And if you think the music is beautiful you won't stop listening to it..You know it's beautiful and you won't stop listening to it.. But all you have to do is have the confidence.. Want will and trust to listen to it.. Even if you think it's terrible..It's still beautiful the next day

Trust Issue Confession

I randomly started telling my friend who kept telling me to open up my life story last night. It took about 5,000 characters which in case you didn't know is a whole bunch of text messages. Here is what I said and yes I texted all of this, word for word to this guy. That is a crap ton of texting I tell ya.

I used to always be happy you know. I was known as smiley when I was at school because I always had a smile on my face. I used to call everyone my friend too. Now I'm lucky to have just a few friends. I don't remember when it started, but it was probably a round middle school. I began pulling myself into a shell. My best friend
since kindergarten started having problems with things I do. Actually this probably all started when my dog bit her sister's face. Ever since then she was more withdrawn towards me and always seemed to be putting me down. That was just her attitude though and I accepted that. I accepted the fact that being around her made me feel like crap and I probably was  a crappy stupid person. 

She isn't the reason for my trust issues of course. She was an amazing friend even if she made me feel awful and I couldn't tell her anything without her telling her family who would proceed to tell mine if they felt like it. I learned not to count on her if someone was bothering me. I learned that if I wanted to do stupid crazy things she was too grown up and mature to do that. she was too self centered to care. But that didn't matter to me. She was my friend.

In middle school I got addicted to this stupid game called Runescape. No one on that game knew who I was. This was the time where I had pulled almost all the way back into myself. So I craved talking to people so badly and everyone who played that game was so nice to me. I could just be myself with them. Except I had to hide that I played it. I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I played it because "only losers" play RS. No one cool or smart plays it. I was made fun of for it.

Of course I didn't stop playing it even though I got made fun of for it. I needed that human attention. One of my best friends today started to play it with me and she accepts that about me. Still today I sometimes get on that game and all my game friends go crazy. I'm a big deal to them. I help them with their real life problems and they let me talk as much as I want. I don't have to watch what I say around them. I can talk to them about anything and they won't judge me. But in real life I was shunned for the game.

Freshman year of high school I broke under the pressure of it all. I was out of school for a month because I was making myself so sick. This was when I was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety. I was given anti-depressants and sent to a counselor. She was more focused on getting me able to be in large crowds (which I still can't do today) than on anything else. It was during the summer so she wasn't helping me. There weren't any crowds. I quit going. People who knew I was on anti-dees were surprised. My family (other than my mum) made fun and still make fun of me today for it. Normally they were just teasing me about it but sometimes they would get seriously angry and what came out of their mouths then was what hurt. It didn't take long for even the teasing to start to hurt me too. It didn't help that my family has traumatized me. They all have severe anger issues and I always feel like I'm walking on a thin thread to avoid the range  I'm always the the one thrown in the middle keeping them from killing each other. I have scars to show my efforts. 

Sophomore year I cut off all communication with my bff. I haven't said a word, outside of when I absolutely had to for school, to her since that day. I regret the way I handled that situation every day but I couldn't take it anymore and that was my fastest way out. Three suicides happened that year at school and I stopped taking my anti-dees. They weren't helping me cope so why should I take them? I didn't tell my mum I stopped taking them until the following year because she was always worried about me after the suicides. 

There was a harmless kid in my grade who was the class clown/douchebag. He made fun of me whenever he felt like it. He made fun of my friends too. I thought he was going to be a good friend when I first met him, just like a few of my friends from elementary school. But then they all became douchebags trying to fit in.

The summer before my junior year I met two guys. I went out with them a few times and one of them I got really close with. In fact we were texting almost twenty four seven. That's when I realized how bad my trust issues are. Neither one of those guys will talk to me now. I think I'm doing the same thing again with another guy that I like as friend but he just keeps getting too close to me. He says he likes someone else, which is exactly what I was aiming at and we don't hang out as often now. I feel like he's trying to get me to completely stop talking to him now as well. I don't learn from my past mistakes apparently.

Importance of Rain

Since I just wrote about the importance of nighttime walks, I feel the need to also point out that rain is just as important.

Rain does basically the exact same thing. Rain doesn't go around you. It doesn't avoid you. It wants to touch you and kiss your skin as it falls from heaven. It is like your ancestors sending down their love to you and letting you know that everything is going to be okay. It is their way of giving you a hug and all that crap.

But yeah rain is just as important as nighttime walks and if you want to know the actual reasons I think this just change nighttime walks to rain in the last post and it will tell you all that you need to know. Except I'm not scared to walk in the rain. Though driving in the rain is scary shit. But walking in the rain is peaceful and not scary unless at nighttime when it is scary.

(I'm going on my nighttime walk right now so I just wanted to get this out before I was off)

Importance of Night Walks

Nighttime is very peaceful. Very few people are out and about making it sometimes seem like you're the only person left in the world. This feeling of solitary helps me make it through the next day. I need my few minutes of peaceful, solitary. It has become especially important to me since I came to college. I no longer have a safe place where I know I can go when I need a break from people. So my nighttime walks are my few moments of being alone. Even when there are people walking with me, the nighttime folds around me, wrapping me in their comforting darkness and warmth, keeping me safe. Its like I'm getting my own mini-hug when I need one the most and can't get one from anyone else.

I also know that no matter what happens in my day, nighttime will never fail to be there. I don't have to worry about it. Nighttime is the only for sure thing in my life. I can't count on most other things so being able to count on nighttime is wonderful. Being able to count on anything is a pleasant experience. Not having to always depend on myself to get something done for a change is blissful. 

Sometimes I'm scared of walking around at nighttime. It has to do with my trust and overactive imagination issues of course. I'm always worried that someone is going to jump me. I always have the worse possible scenarios of things going through my mind. That doesn't stop me from my night walks though because even though I'm scared of them, I still need them. I need my mini-hugs and comforting silence. I need my dependable and peaceful darkness. I don't know how I would live without my night walks. 

I tried it for a few days last week. Right after I started going on my nighttime walks again I stopped being so depressed. My mini-mental breakdowns stopped happening and I avoided completely breaking down. I don't know why I decided to suddenly stop going on these walks, but I did and it did not end well. As you can tell from previous posts of mine I did not have a good week last week. I'm just glad that I have a way to forestall my mental breakdowns now. 

IN CONCLUSION: NIGHTTIME WALKS ARE ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN MY LIFE.

A Stab in the Dark New and Improved Advertising Ploy

If you click it nothing will happen so so you know! I just wanted to show you my new advertising ploy ;P
Here is the link to the story if you desire to click something to read....

http://www.wattpad.com/story/640599-a-stab-in-the-dark

I haven't decided if I like it yet or not though....

Taylor Swift Support Group

I love this thing so much....It is hilarious....

#hashtags

I found this a few days ago and it has done wonders with me. I just couldn't stop laughing at it because it was hilarious. I enjoy being able to laugh when I'm in my moods.

Christian pickup lines are the best....Here's a few ;P

"Look, you're nearly 22. Most christians are 3 years into marriage by now... just settle for me."

"You put the “stud” in bible study."
“I’m no Joseph, maybe you can help me interpreting the dreams I’ve been having about you?”
"Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?”
“I’m usually not very prophetic, but I can see us together.”

"What’s your name and number so I can add you to my “prayer” list?"

"Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives... Because he never met you."

"For you I would slay two Goliaths."

"You float my ark." "I believe one of my ribs belongs to you." "I’m glad Adam gave up a rib for you." "I just don't feel called to celibacy."

"How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?" "I would part the Red sea to get to you." "You are hotter than the apostles at Pentacost." "You are so unblemished that I would sacrifice you."

Cheery Pictures!

Cheery pictures to hide the negative posts!

Trust Issues

One of my friends was teasing me because he's gotten it into his head that I have my first college crush, which I don't. I told him nothing would happen with it anyway because I don't do relationships. Now he's trying to get me to discuss my trust issues. I like not discussing these things! You know what just here....this is the conversation....


Him: "Ha You like him. Awh, M has her first college crush"
Me: "Nothing will come of it"
Him: "It might"
Me: "Doesn't really matter who I like or if they like me. Nothing will come of it"
Him: "Why? Here's a for instance, you like E and E likes you. Would something come of it? If you both liked each other?"
Me: "Nothing could come of it no"
Me: "I don't do relationships...."
Him: "Why?"
Me: "Trust Issues"
Him: "Why?"
Me: "I don't know"
Him: "Don't think of me as J or anyone you've known for awhile. Think of me as your therapist"
Me: "I'm not thinking of you as my therapist. The last one I hated"
Him: "Why do you have trust issues? Is it with just males? Or just females? Or in general?"
Me: "I just have trust issues in general"
Him: "Why?"
Me: "I don't know. I just have for a while now?"
Him: "Having trust issues means your trust has been broken more than once in the past whether it be by your family, a close friend, maybe yourself even?"
Me: "You sound like you just googled it"
Him" No I know a lot about this psych crap. Went to therapy did wonders for me"
Me: "lucky you. Therapy didn't do crap for me."
Him: "I know why, you didn't open up You didn't have a break through. You want to be helped.
Me: "Nope I didn't. I only saw her twice."
Him: "You do. You will want a relationship and love being in love and being in a relationship and love your partner."
Me: "I'm not at the point where I want a relationship yet?"
Him: "But you will get there easier if you can get to the root of your trust issues. Trust issues also come from abuse."
Him: "I doubt you were abused"
Me: "You never know"
Him: "Were you?"
Me: "Trust issues remember. I don't open up."


And it goes on from there with him trying to guess who abused me and how. Then he keeps telling me to open up because I refuse to tell him these things. And eventually he starts asking me questions about if I cry and stuff like that. I don't want to talk about this stuff with anyone and yet he's being pushy about it. I wish I hadn't brought this up at all. I always bring stuff up that I shouldn't! I need my filter fixed. This is why I can't have nice things.....

Mental Breakdown Week

I was pushed off the cliff on Sunday when one of my friends needed my help again. My stress, anxiety, and worry levels have sky rocketed. I've been on edge since Sunday, unable to really do anything. I feel like everything is falling apart on me as it always seems to do. This is why I can't have nice things, as someone who I don't know what he is to me told me. I always ruin everything. I wish I could stop this mental breakdown before it officially happened. I am doing my mini-mental breakdowns right now, all week I have been having them. I don't want to be here when the big one hits. I'm hoping I can fend it off until I get home next weekend, but that is still two weeks away and I don't think I'm going to make it.

I'm working on being positive again. My mind isn't feeling too terribly positive today....SO POSITIVE PICTURE

The F Word

I brought up the F word with my mum today. Food. All I was saying was I was running out of food and would need more soon. She told me to go buy some and I told her that I would just wait until I go home in two weeks. This made her start questioning me about my eating habits. I know I stopped eating for a good three months once, but that was a few years ago! I eat now on a daily basis. Sure sometimes I skip a meal here or there, but I still am eating. If anything she should be happy that I'm eating. I was told that once I got in college I would probably go anorexic, but I AM NOT ANOREXIC. I eat food okay, so get off my back.

Mood Killers

Lalala I have been at college for oh four weeks now. I've been doing great. I only get depressed for short periods of time and I only had one week where I just wanted to go home and get my meds. I'm glad I didn't bring my meds here. I don't want to have to depend on them forever. Sure I have lovely anxiety attacks every once in a while (like every time I go to lunch), but that is okay with me. I can deal with anxiety attacks as long as they aren't making me super sick like last time. I learned on my own how to deal with my anxiety attacks, I think I can handle being without my meds while I'm here.
But anyhoo, my mood is going down hill right now. It really sucks. There are two people just sitting around me doing homework right now and I'm just sitting here with nothing to do because I am bored of working on my homework. I just want to walk somewhere and be alone but at the same time I don't really have anywhere to go. That's the problem with being here in a new place. I don't actually feel safe at night here. Like in Lisbon I somewhat felt safe. I knew people around me. But here I'm basically a foreigner in a vast wooded dangerous area. I don't have a safe spot here. In Lisbon my safe spot was always the park. I knew that no matter what happened at home I would have somewhere to go if I needed to leave, but here I'm lost. I don't have my safe spot to run to when I need to get away. I just have my room which isn't a safe spot for me. So yeah my mood goes down hill and I don't know how much longer it will last like this. It's depressing really, which is funny because that's where my mood is headed. I feel bipolar sometimes but I can't be because my mood changes too quickly for that. Mood Killers in the house.

Why does this not work? -.- I've been told multiple times it would.....

<img src="http://i1085.photobucket.com/albums/j436/DreamingAlways/AStabInTheDark.jpg" >

I'm just gonna put this picture here while I'm at it <.>

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