Darkness consumed me again. I’m not really sure when it
happened or even why. I just know that I am now fighting an endless war where I
am on the losing side. Sometimes I fought on the winning side, but today I am
on the losing side. I am been for a while now. I’m not really sure how long I
have been losing. I just want out of this life. I don’t want to be here
anymore. I don’t know how to hold on anymore. I lost myself on the way and
there is no going back now. This weather is not helping. It’s supposed to cause
higher suicide rates you know. February is the highest month for suicides. Not
that I’m thinking about that. I just know this fact is all. I probably should
get back on my anti-dees since fighting it alone is not working anymore. I don’t
like the way that anti-dees make me feel though. I just want to lose myself in
a story and never return to the real world. Fantasy is better than being here.
Anything is better than being here.
No one understands the pain that I feel or the ups and downs
that I go through each day. Some days I am winning my battle while other days I
am losing. My battle never ends though. There is always a part of me that has
not fully pulled free of the darkness. I am always shrouded in the shadows. I
can be surrounded by people and not even notice. That is how horrible the
darkness is. No matter how many people are around me, I am alone in my battle.
No one can help me win this battle. I am on my own. Now more than ever I wish that this battle was
over. I don’t even care anymore if I lose or win the battle. I just want to
end. More than anything, I just want it to be okay for once.
